Best Day Ever? Maybe.

Hell Layzers,

Hello! We made it! I would like to thank God for this very special day. I woke up to NHL playoff hockey, and am going to bed with it. I can't stress how easy it was to sit on my ass all day, and watch 4 hockey games back-to-back. The drive and determination that I showed today is the stuff bums are made of.
Things I did not do today:
1. Brush my teeth
2. Shower
3. Get out of my pyjamas

I would like to thank the barista at starbucks for making my coffee extra swiftly this morning (is it just me, or does being a barista at starbucks seem like a pretty stressful job, especially when it's busy?). Big thanks to the local cornerstore attendant for selling me cigarettes and a bag of cookies without any side-chatter.  I had my gameface on all day, and the world knew it. Lastly, I would like to thank the San Jose Sharks for laying a rotten egg of a game today, so that I could have a quick nap during the 2nd period: I don't know if you understand how tiring sitting on a couch all day eating cookies can be.
Well, lets get to it, shall we? I just had a few glasses of milk with those cookies, so I'll be on the toilet, shitting my brains out soon. Gotta type fast!
Looks like Winnipeggers will get to have their simultaneous orgasm quicker than first predicted (by me), because Detroit is looking like they're gonna kick Phoenix to the curb faster than my first marriage ended (I never told you that story? another day...). So you, Winnipeg, will have your Jets back, maybe by the end of this week! That's exciting! You get a mediocre team again! It'll be like nothing's changed since 1995. Was there a better performance today than Pavel Datysuk's? Maybe, ya. We'll get to that later...but at 11 this morning, I certainly thought there wouldn't be. YOU CAN'T TAKE THE PUCK OFF THAT LITTLE BASTARD'S STICK! He does so many little things right on the ice, that are often overshadowed by his team's superb play and his sick dangles, that sometimes they go unnoticed. He's like his Detroit defenseman legend Nick Lidstrom. They just do EVERYTHING right. Datysuk's not carrying the team on his back, because he doesn't have to. He just played a really fucking strong game today, and he woke me up early on this morning. This could end up being a sweep....but I still think Phoenix'll get one out of the series at least. I liked Doan today. And the Turris kid. Doan was an asshole, and played over-the-edge at times, but he got away with it. Phoenix's bench gets too short when they need a goal, and their "depth" is just not even close to being on the same depth level as a Detroit, a Vancouver, or a Philly.
Detroit doesn't have Zetterberg back, yet. Remember that Vancouverites.
Philly and Buffalo. At about the 2 minute mark of the 1st period, I turned to my left and said to nobody, "Holy shit! The first period hasn't ended yet!". 6 goals were scored. All 18 skaters on both teams got punched in the face at least once. Scott Hartnell acted like a retard twice. Maybe the most enjoyable period of hockey of the playoffs so far. You had to think that eventually, with that long playoff run from last year, that Philly's players were gonna wake the fuck up, and that's what they did today. Buffalo got one freebie in game 1. Now they gotta work their asses off to win 3 more. Do I think they can do it? they COULD. But they won't. Giroux's gonna score 6 more goals this series. He's dialed in. You can also officially put Mike Richards and Paul Gaustad on my list of "Dudes I Would Not Fuck With" Gaustad's just huge, and I'm pretty sure Richards would kill you for the puck. There are more dudes to be added later.
I was so intrigued by the nastiness of the 1st period of the Sabres Flyers game, that I stayed watching it in case a brawl broke out. This lead me to missing the first 3 minutes of the Montreal Boston game. Ah, no big deal: nothing happens in the first 3 minutes of a hockey game, plus, no way Boston's gonna go down 2-0 to the Habs, and I just don't like seeing them lose. Oh boy was I wrong. I flicked the game on, and it was 2-0! What was with all the collective doubts amongst hockey fans about these Habs? Myself included, I know I know, fucking haters. They have the same core group of players as last year. Their goalie is in the top 4 in the league. He's gonna start for Canada in Sochi in 2014. Is it because their only star skater is a flashy defenseman? they're small? I think it's the size thing. David .vs. Goliath. Well, folks, I have had a lesson reaffirmed in my life today. This game is not the game it was in the 90's. Big, slow, mongoloids can no longer dominate the game the way they did before (Sorry Jason Allison, if you're reading this). Size still matters, but it's not essential. Look at the Habs. Look at Ennis and Gerbe in Buffalo. Skill wins over size these days, and sticking to your TEAM gameplan wins over everything. If you wanna win the game, you stick to your gameplan, and a bunch of nobodies and a hot goalie can make a run into the playoffs when no one expects it. It didn't hurt that The Big Zidiot was puking his guts out today, either. I'd put him on my list of "Dudes I Would Not Fuck With", but I'm pretty sure I could kick him while he was down today. Same with Milan Lucic, he may as well pack his bags and head back to Eastvan for the summer. How the fuck did I talk about size not mattering, and not make a joke about my dick? Idunno, you tell me.
I think the solo-performer of the night was Drew Doughty. Isn't he fun to watch when he's on? He's one of my favourite players to watch that's for sure. Really looks like he's playing shinny when he's locked in. Just having a blast out there, dangling around, making crisp passes, pissing people off, putting pucks in the net. He has the ability to lift you out of your seats with a spinorama, or he can knock someone out with a clean hipcheck. Just an exciting guy to watch. Can you tell I'm a big Drew Doughty fan? I forgot to knock Dustin Penner after game 1, but maybe it's a good thing I didn't, because it would've been really fucking mean and heartless. I still think he's a bum, but he was kind of effective tonight. He's one of those Big Slows that just doesn't do anything for me, and he's overpaid. I just wouldn't want him on my team. He could go on my "All Pretty" team though. Handsome devil.
I think the best part of the whole last game, since the Sharks effort was so bad, it made for the least exciting game of the day, was Ray Ferraro talking about how bad San Jose was. "Whoa. Patrick Marleau has just played terrible tonight." was my favourite quote from Rayzor.
You can put Ryan Clowe on my "Dudes I Would Not Fuck With" list, too. Something about a Newfie with a temper that is just really unsettling for me. Scary.
Are the Sharks in trouble? Does anyone else hope i'm dead wrong in picking Boston and Philly to win their series? Would you like to make out with me, even though I didn't brush my teeth? Should I throw Don Cherry on my "All Pretty" team? Did anyone else deny as much social contact as I did today?

Goodnight, All. Dream that, when you forget to wear a condom, and you sprout an accident, that the kid is a boy, and he ends up being something like Pavel Datysuk, so he can haul your drunk ass out of welfare. You'll wake up feeling elated for about 5 seconds, followed by a huge kick in the stomach. that kick is called a reality check.

xosmlxo